Surviving A Horror Movie

It’s really quite simple. In fact, it’s mostly common sense, but characters in films appear to all be under the belief that living in a house that was once the sight of a graveyard will work out perfectly with no repercussions from vengeful spirits.

And maybe it would, if your life wasn’t scripted and a camera crew weren’t following you around. Just in case this happens to you, or in fact, you’re just slightly worried about living on land where satanic rituals used to be performed, then give this the once-over.

1. “You moved the headstones, but you didn’t move the bodies!” Poltergeist 1982                                                                  First things first (makes sense). If you’re moving house it’s best to make sure that it has no affiliation whatsoever with cemeteries, churches or mass murder/suicide – especially when the person committing the murders went mad, it’s usually a sure sign of possession, and you will be next.        Do you really need to move house? That is the question.
2. “We’ll tear your soul apart!” Hellraiser 1987                       Now before you go solving any mysterious puzzles or reading from books that you didn’t find in or around the regular parts of the library it’s in your best interests to research where these came from. You don’t want to be opening up a portal into hell or raising hoards of the undead now, do you?          If in doubt on where to begin your research find someone suffering from a haunting or possession – they are brilliant researchers.
3. “I killed him…”  “But you can’t kill the boogeyman!” Halloween 1978                                                                               You can’t kill anything if you’re going to stab it once in the neck and then fall around a lot with relief. This is something that often has been walking after you at a leisurely pace while you heart is threatening to burst from your chest running around the place at 50mph… and still catches up with you when you come up against a locked door.                             Once they are down decapitation is the only way forward, and then it’s wise to keep the head very far from the body. Regeneration is not beyond the crazed killer.
4. “You see, Jason was my son, and today is his birthday…” Friday The 13th 1980                                                      Sometimes killing them isn’t enough, you have to take out the whole family. If you have survived one round of mass murder then don’t be surprised when relatives come calling after revenge, or if the original killer tracks you down again – I told you, decapitation is the only way.
5. “What an excellent day for an exorcism.” The Exorcist 1973     Don’t think all your problems have been solved because you’ve found yourself a priest to rid your house/relative of any remaining demons. Most priests, believe it or not, do not actually know how to perform an exorcism; their skills are based more in the sermon department nowadays. Even when the exorcism is over it’s a million to one shot that the demon is gone. You have to burn that house down and move country.
6. “Hi, I’ve got an appointment with Mr. Ullman. My name is Jack Torrance.” The Shining 1980                                               Never baby-sit, never house-sit and certainly never Overlook Hotel-sit. Another point of importance is to rid yourself of any alcoholic acquaintances. The alcoholics are a weakness and very often end up going mad before the rest of us. If they’re not trying to kill you, they’re hunting you down for a drink.

A few important notes:

Don’t run upstairs, really… where are you going to go?

Even if they were once your best friend, if they’ve been bitten they WILL become a zombie, kill them.

The closet you own with the slatted wood? Sharp objects of various description can be stabbed through the gaps, don’t hide in there.

Never, and I repeat NEVER drive along the American highways where there is no life for miles around, and all in-between has resorted to cannibalism for food or torture as a source of entertainment because they don’t get cable way out there.

And hitchhikers? I shake my head at you. Just keep driving.

Hayley’s Picture A Day

 

It’s official, the computer, and I’m almost certain the entire Internet, is against me.

Personally though, I think I’m making up for the last few days by having a picture… of a picture. That’s technically two pictures in one.

By Peter Smith, but not the Peter Smith that is my father.

These dudes are just too cute not to get involved. It’s not actually wonky, but the chair was in the way and I was in no mood for climbing.

Over and Out.

Hayley's Picture A Day

Today was surprisingly busy after I had been promised a day of utter boredom and I've decided hell to it, there shall be more than one picture a day... if I have actually remembered to take any.
It really sets the standards for the many days ahead of us.

First off, the flanimals.



There are three rats but Sherlock was eating after creating the clever diversion.

But Humphrey is still very much Lord of the Manor.



I have terrible hayfever and risked my sinuses to take some decent pictures of the evil flowers in Dobbie's Garden Centre.

Ninja boy and the screaming child

Ok the title makes it sound like i'm going to talk about a pretty cool new film, but no....i'm not. No, it's the people you find in a family pub around dinner time on a friday evening. First thing you notice is that several babies appear to be having a screaming contest and there seems to be no end in the competition, only if they actually leave the pub would they stop. The child on the table next to us seemed to have the upper hand with a high pitched squeal every so often that made everyone in the vicinity flinch.

Next is the very angry toddler that insists on lying down on the chairs shouting at his older sister who is dragging him off the chairs...he tires of this and starts running around the waiters feet and learning about skeletons (or skelingtons as he calls them) from an older reletive trying to shut him up. Later on he has found some crayons and an activity sheet to play with and has decided to do these perched precariously on his chair and leaning over to the table, this causes discussions to be made about if he falls...he doesn't thankfully as he would have needed new teeth if he had.

Whilst that is happening children at another table have decided to knee slide across the carpet (carpet?! knee slide?! does this kid not realise that he'll get carpet burn!?) infront of the waiters again. This could only end badly, but thankfully no food was harmed, or waiters, or children. Those waiters have pretty good skills in avoiding feral children. One of the adults shouts blackcurrant for some reason at the top of his voice and this explains the childrens behavior because if i lived in a household where random fruits were shouted i would run around too.

Finally is the brilliant ninja kid. Out of nowhere a flash of colour appears and it jumps down the stairs and disappears, then reappears sitting down at the table with his parents. How he managed this is impossible to tell as he seemed to teleport from place to place all with a happy look on his face.....and a rather snazzy biker jacket on. But he disappeared again :( and this time with his family of ninjas and replaced with an equally stealthy family with some very bored looking people who wished they were anywhere else but in the same situation we were in.

Irrelevant note:
The only supernatural things on Most Haunted are Julian Cleggs ears.

The Dangers Of The Apps

This really applies to all apps.
However I don't own an iPhone, so I can only lump them in with the others, but I can say I'm glad I don't possess one. I have nothing against them, but I'm having a hard enough time with the Blackberry and Facebook apps.
That is my phone and computer taken over. My two favourite methods of relative distant communication - my messenger pigeon is currently unavailable - disrupted by perfect addictiveness.
I have an addictive personality. Not... you can't get addicted to me, I rank right there with the cabbage, but I get addicted to games and other smiliar things easily.
My new addiction is the app.

Originally I thought about writing a survival guide, but what good would that be coming from me when I am addicted? I would only lead you wrong. I currently have an app open in another tab AS I TYPE. You would no sooner come to me for a survival guide on addictive apps then you would go to McDonald's and ask for a 14-day Diet Plan.
So instead I will write a preventative guide.

1. Don't get Facebook. That nips that one right in the bud. I understand a lot of your friends may have it and/or you may have already created one and I can only say this: it's only a matter of time. I too scoffed at the thought of owning any of these apps, but here I sit anyway.
2. Don't you hate all those posts about people needing extra building supplies for their farm, or giving away 100 cheesecakes that you can't eat? And who in their right mind would give away 100 cheesecakes anyway? Don't be the cause of these posts.
3. So you don't have to post these things and all your friends own a farm/cafe/island/zoo and you feel you must have one too. STOP! All your friends had facebook too, didn't they? And you created one, didn't you? Look where that's got you so far.
4. You don't own a farm/cafe/island/zoo and can't reap the rewards, that little person on the screen does. That is not fair.
5. The fear of rejection when no one wants to be your neighbour. Don't drag your friends into the same mess by inviting them, think about the lives they are leading and the fact they actually leave the house occasionally without the aid of an invitation to an 'event' that you can't go to anyway because you have to stay in and watch over the farm.

1. Don't get a Blackberry. Half the apps you have to pay for with REAL MONEY! None of that virtual money you have become accustomed to on the Facebook apps. Your actual money.
2. Your phone needs its precious memory to hold more important things like your millions of messages, photos and songs. Be nice to your phone, because its ability to phone people will be the thing that helps you out in the middle of the night on a country road when you have broken down, not that app which tells you the prices of local resturants. Those apps will leave you little more than axe-murderer fodder.

So maybe you're not convinced - I know I'm not.
I do know this though... I will get bored of these apps and the crops will wither, the food will rot, the island will be ripped apart in a hurricane and the animals will perish.
Don't let it happen.
An app is not just for the boring times, it's for life.


Final Irrelevant Note: Don't watch Marley & Me. It is the sad-maker to Mentos' fresh-making.